Sunday, 28 September 2008

Out To Get Me

I'd been having this weird feeling I was going to have a car accident.
I haven't had a car accident, but I am starting to feel that the universe is conspiring to scare me on the roads as many times as possible.
Check this out.

I drove to collect my Dad from hospital in Nottingham, on the way there I reached a cross roads that I use regularly. The view to the left is clear for a long, long way and I could see no traffic, the road straight ahead was also clear, I turned my head to the right, there was a queue of traffic, at the front of which were two lorries slowly turning into my road, heading for the quarry. I went to move but caught sight of movement. A genius had decided that on a junction would be the best place to overtake. It's a pretty sure thing it would have been lights out if I'd made the manoeuvre.

Just 15 minutes or so later, I sat in the outside lane of the dual carriageway, overtaking a number of vehicles, about to overtake a white van and lorry. Only, the white van decided that as I drew level with its rear bumper it should pull out. I mean, it had mirrors, why check there was nothing there? I sat on the horn and made it clear I was displeased. On the upside Mrs White Van Driver did have the courtesy to apologise as I glowered at her on finally passing.

So, Dad collected, we commence the journey home. We enter a roundabout, clearly signalling, only someone thought this would be an excellent time to pull out in front of me. And then change their minds. Blocking my lane and forcing some serious fast thinking as there was traffic in the next lane too. I gave him a forceful beep and you know what? The bastard beeped me back. Upon telling my friend Harriet, she immediately spoke the thought in my mind: "The injustice of it!" He did wrong and I got beeped. Pfft, I hope he gets piles.

You'd think that would suffice right?

Then yesterday, I'm driving round the block in my village. I reach my own road, I see a car coming towards me. Which decides to turn. Immediately in front of me. No signal, just a turn. My handbag left the front seat and slammed into the dashboard as I squealed to the most serious emergency stop I can remember completing in a while, even surpassing the previous three events. I sat for a few moments, shaking quite violently. Before the road rage overcame me, I leapt out of my car and the damn woman ran in her house before I could have words. Grrr.

I went for drinks last night with friends, as I don't drink it was pineapple juice and lemonade for me. I drove my friends home quite late and as I drove, doing the speed limit, I noticed a taxi behind me, closely examining my rear bumper. Clearly contemplating giving it a kiss. I drew close to my friends road, I indicated, that I was intending to turn right, across the carriageway. The taxi decided that this would be an appropriate time to overtake. Had I made the turn, he would have completely slammed into the side of my car. I sat on my brakes and horn. Again.

I pulled up outside Rachael's house, turned to her and said "Seriously, is it me or are they out to get me?!"

I won't even mention how foggy it's been the past few mornings and that people aren't switching on their lights. Pulling out of my village feels like taking your life in your hands as they suddenly loom out of the mist, invisible to the last moment. I hope they all get piles too.
And I wish a slightly lesser punishment on those that go too far and never turn off their ruddy fog lights. When you're behind them, feeling your vision slowly slipping away as the light blinds you more and more each second.
I hate you all damn it! You're all going on The List.


Carrie said...

Have you remembered to disengage your Cloaking Device? Or, spend the money and upgrade to Version 8.9 Klingon Cloaking Device with Anti-Idiot Nukes! E-bay are doing a terrific deal on Version 8.8 and 8.9 this week. I recommend V8.9 though, it's such FUN! :o)

Oktoberfuehrer Inzizter said...


Not only have I returned from Lourdes, I have also landed in the present and have finally broken the temporal stranglehold of March!

O, bad drivers - unbelievable, aren't they? When I was 16 I had a motorbike. Whilst stationary at a junction, waiting to turn right, a drunk doing over 70mph (they calculated this from the skid-marks - he didn't brake until after he'd hit me), on the wrong side of the road ploughed straight through me. Almost every bone in my body was broken, my ribs went through my lungs - even my throat was cut from the force sustained by my helmet strap. I was dead on arrival at hospital, and managed to 'snuff-it' 4 more times that first night, but you can't keep a mediocre man down. They had me up and about again in no time, amazingly; well a few months or so, anyway. That was many years ago and I barely have a scar (or 10) to show for it.
But that is not the end of my story about bad drivers, or that junction. On the 18th of this month, it will be two years since my dad was killed at that very same junction. He was hit by a lorry as he turned right.
My advice to you is:
a) give up driving
b) avoid the above mentioned junction.

Apart from all of your recent near-misses, how art thou?

x x x

Flibbertigibbet said...

Carrie: Seriously, this is the problem. I had no idea these things were available! :)
Whist bringing Dad home, again, from the hospital I had another idiot change lanes, right in front of me, without even checking. I mean like Dad hasn't had enough heart attacks!

Oktoberfuehrer Inzizter: Damn I love your names. You kill me. In a good way, and there is one!
Welcome home from Lourdes! But you must fill me in - was it splendid? Did you have a really wonderful time?

I'm stunned by your accident, it's amazing that you survived. The faith you have must have played a huge part in that for you. In my whole life I've broken a wrist and ribs and I know those injuries hurt like hell, but even knowing that I can't even begin to comprehend what it must have been like!
I must say that I, for one, am pleased you pulled through!

However, I'm really very well. I've got my Dad home from hospital after a lengthy period and it feels as though things are calming down. I mean, I am chaos in motion, but occasionally there is such a thing as too much chaos!


Flibbertigibbet said...

I am a muppet. I meant to say how terribly sorry I am about your Dad. It's something else I just can't imagine. No matter how great and unwieldy one's imagination may be, some things are just outside of its grasp.
I don't know if you're a big hugger, but I'm sending you hugs anyway.

Mr M. Braced said...

Thank you. Very much appreciated. I certainly will fill you in on the whole Lourdes pilgrimage - I'm just trying to decide on the best way of doing so.

Hope your dad is on the mend.


Flibbertigibbet said...

Dad is doing much better after a farcical stint of hospital coming and going. And after me plotting painful revenge on mean nurses.

I'm really looking forward to hearing about Lourdes!
Email me.. or something...

I always want to come up with some imaginative names but I just wouldn't be as clever! Damn it!


Mrs. S. U. Wood said...

I have faith in your ability to concoct imaginative aliases. I surely do.

x x x

Yes, I will email you. Did you start Mere Christianity yet?

Flibbertigibbet said...

Oh goodness. I'm feeling the pressure now! However, mornings and I are not compatible. I'm not at my thinking best.
Although I'm not sure that I have a time that I am at my thinking best.

I ummed and ahhed about dropping you an email at the weekend.
I hope it was ok as it must have been a tough anniversary.

I haven't started it yet. I will have to do that. If I don't remember to put a book in the mini book case/book-slide in my bedroom, I don't remember to read it. I live in a world of memory failures...

I also live in a world of beautiful Autumnal leaves, right outside my window. I swear I could sit and watch the light change on them as the sun moves in the sky.