Eurovision 2009

I feel like a real traitor even contemplating watching Eurovision this year. I don’t remember a time that Terry Wogan didn't do the narration. Graham did amuse me though at the opening with his words “I know, I miss Terry too, I’m sorry”. He might have started to win me over.

I like that it’s coming from Moscow, having been there and I envisage spending the evening talking to myself going “Ooh I've been there!”
I also like circus acts and the dude swirling fire has some fine tattoo work.
Maybe I want to be in the Cirque Du Soleil. Or at least doing the trampoline bouncing.

Is it wrong that I laughed a lot that last years winner flew down and flung off his coat and it got caught in his flying wires? I bet he hated that and was mighty embarrassed, all the better for my entertainment. Why is he running through walls? Why does anything happen in Eurovision?

Good lord, what is the hostess wearing? I think she might be imitating a wedding cake decoration.
There’s a new way of voting, this should be interesting, I wonder if it will make any difference to the block voting that always occurs. 50% of the votes go to the voting public and 50% to a panel of some sort of musical experts.

First up is Lithuania, I normally like a fedora on a man, but I’m not so sure in this instance. I don’t think I hate it, which surprises me. His sideburns concern me though. Whilst it’s not a bad song I have started to wonder about maybe making a hot chocolate and having a nap. To wake me up he swaps languages, just to make sure I’m paying attention. I am, really I am. I wish I had some nutella though; a spoonful of nutella in your hot chocolate makes it extra special. And naughty.

Israel is second. Graham says to look out for the clever use of biscuit tins. The first singer reminds me of a character from CSI:Miami, although combined with the second, I am led to wonder if the rest of their coven knows where they are tonight. There’s a lot of mutual stroking going on. Is the guy, right at the front of the stage, proud that the only reason he’s there is to use a tambourine? Oooh there are the biscuit tins. A bit of drumming, well I think that’s what it’s meant to be.
Graham informs me, and the rest of the audience they’re olive oil tins, not biscuit. Shame I like a good biscuit.

France comes on third. She has been assaulted and looks ready to cry judging by those eyes, sadly they didn't have time to finish her dress either. Oh well. For a while they even had translations of what she’s singing on many of the screens, sadly I didn't get to see what she sang prior to the line “in my hair”. I wonder what was in her hair. I’m totally imagining the scene from There’s something about Mary. Which might not be what they intended. Apparently she’s very famous. Who knew?

Fourth is Sweden with a dress that reportedly cost 37,000 Euros. I hope the intention was to distract us from the song. Oh it’s a world of bad. I’m also making the assumption that most of those Euros went on paying to take the life of the birds whose corpses seem to cover the bottom half of her dress. I’m not sure what this song is, it could be dance, it could be opera, it could be a woman having a breakdown in public. I’m a little afraid of her. She also reminds me of a fembot. I’m not alone, Graham declares her to be “properly terrifying”. I concur.

Croatia are fifth on stage, with a promised dramatic costume change. Is he dancing or snake charming? He’s quite a pretty little fellow. I think all his backing singers/dancers are clones of Mischa Barton. And there she is, from black flowing cape affair to virginal white meringue dress. I bet all those jewels on the bust are really itchy. I've just realised, they’re singing. It hadn't really invaded my consciousness. Not a winner. I hope.

Graham professes to like the sixth entry, Portugal. I like all the Russian words in between the acts, although I wish they’d do some I don’t already know, then I’d feel like I’m getting an education too. The stage looks not unlike an acid trip, but I can see why he likes it, they look so happy. The drummer might actually be on a trip. I feel like I wish I’d turned on the song translation for this one. I actually feel like I just watched some wholesome kids cartoon.
Apparently Portugal have competed 43 times and never won. That really sucks!

Number seven is Iceland and this time I learnt the Russian word for snow. I like her eyeliner. It’s a nice song. Thought to be a contender. Does little for me though, I’m back to thinking about hot chocolate. I think she has bells hanging from her right boob.

Greece are eighth and he’s dancing like he means it. And he means you to see his navel. I’ll admit I’m drawn to watching him and whilst it’s not a great song, it’s painfully catchy and damn my toes for tapping. It has nothing to do with his navel either. Ooh I hope he doesn't slide off that thing on stage…it’s opening up like Tower Bridge and yet looks like a stapler to me.

Ninth is Armenia. I appear to be lost for words. That’s a lot of braiding. Wow. Am too distracted by writhing and outfits to be able to concentrate.

Russia is tenth. She’s ageing in the video, that’s not too attractive. Why did they think that would be a good idea? She’s wearing a sheet. I don’t think Russia will be winning again.

Azerbaijan are eleventh, what in god’s name are they wearing. Is she wearing one legging? One gold legging? There must be some sort of a law against that. How can she hold her arm up with all those bracelets? She’ll give herself a strain. I can’t talk about the song. There’s just nothing to talk about for me!

Twelfth are Bosnia & Herzegovina. Must. Not. Snort. With. Laughter. I think they might have time travelled. Although I’m sure this era usually wore those white dusted wigs. Why are they holding up a pink sheet? I don’t understand.

Who’s in unlucky thirteenth place? Moldova. I think she has the words to this song on the palm of her hand, which might rub off on that outfit if she’s not careful. I’m hoping that is some sort of traditional dress, because there can be no other excuse for it. But those boots. I might be a bit odd, because, outfit excepted, I sort of like the song. I am still concerned the repetitive use of the wind machine is going to cause her (short) skirt to take this to an X-rated affair.

Malta are fourteenth and singing is someone who has sung for Malta twice before, you’d think if she hadn't won for them yet, they’d have dumped her. Maybe they don’t have anyone else? Have I watched too much Eurovision if I think I recognise her? I’m wondering if she’s wearing the same dress. A good old fashioned power ballad.

Fifteenth are Estonia. She’s really pretty, I like her fringe. I know she’s singing, but I can’t stop thinking about how I might want my hair just like that. There’s a lot of strings on stage, I feel like a band with a Cellist will always go far.

Denmark come on Sixteenth. I think that’s a neckerchief. I also think that’s a bad song. Oh dear, help me, I’m fading.

Germany are Seventeenth. If I were Dita Von Teese, I’d be upset that he wore those trousers. He’s tap dancing in trousers made from tin foil and she has a waist with a diameter the same as my wrist. It’s not at all good.

Eighteenth are Turkey and I think she wants to be Shakira. Her hips don’t seem to be lying, that’s for sure. This is just superb Eurovision, they clearly feel they have a winning song when what they’re singing is just dreadful. There’s a pretty man in a skirt with clearly a fetish for bondage.

Graham promises us a “WHAT?!” moment for number nineteen, Albania. I’m actually having a “Holy Shit” moment whilst also fearing for my bladder control. Why is the man blue? Why is he blue AND shiny? Imagine the scene in their Eurovision meeting “so I was totally thinking we should have a guy on stage, behind the singer, who is totally blue and has his face covered in sequins”. At this point everyone else in the room cheered at the brilliance of this idea, then someone else said, “let’s also have two other guys dressed like the joker from batman”. “Let’s also make sure the singer is a child with no responsible adult to prevent this shame.”

Twenty is the bookies favourite from Norway. Graham liked it originally, but after three days appears to have developed a deep loathing. Ooh there’s fiddle. I like fiddle. He has big eyebrows. My goodness. I do have a thing for waistcoats. I've been watching The Mentalist on TV recently and Simon Baker’s character is always in his waistcoat and this has led me to develop a bit of a crush on Mr Baker. Now Mr Big Eyebrows is singing that he’s in love with a fairytale, how sweet, I only like the fiddle part though. I’m not sure about the accompanying acrobatics.

Holy crap that’s a big bow Miss Hostess is wearing!

Ukraine are twenty-first. Graham tells us that she mortgaged her flat in order to pay for the stage set-up, however it looks as though she might actually be practicing pole-dancing. Or considering becoming a lady of the night. I;’m sure I just saw enough to do a gynae exam. And now she’s drumming, whilst wanting to be your valentine.

Romania is twenty-second and the stage is infested with wood nymphs. I’m not sure what that’s supposed to be in the background. A tree? A piece of stone? I’m not sure. Typical Eurovision fare for sure!

United Kingdom are finally on, twenty-third. I know I’m likely to be biased but I do quite like her dress, even if her boobs are a little squished. I haven’t followed any of the preliminary stuff for Eurovision so I hadn't heard the song or even really seen who was singing, I didn't even realise that Andrew Lloyd Webber would be there too on piano. It wasn't a bad song at all, and it was leagues ahead of some of the others.

Twenty-fourth are Finland with they swinging fire-men and bad singing. I’m ready for the end. Or the end of baseball caps worn backwards. Eugh.

Spain are last. A very dramatic beginning. I think Nicky Clarke is one of the backing dancers. She’s wearing illusion bodice, I believe only ice dancers are allowed to wear that – by law. There’s acrobatics again, there's a lot of that this year. And now there’s magic, she has vanished, but the singing continues. Which is a shame. She reappears! I totally thought she’d have had a costume change when she vanished. I am disappointed.

There are cosmonauts opening the voting lines. What the hell?
So now, 15 minutes till we start the nil points.
There’s some kind of perverse fun in watching the last minute tick down whilst the presenters try and fill that minute without it seeming to be scripted. It was painful and entertaining because of that.

I’m entirely unsure of what to say about the interval act. I've seen that before on TV I think, when I accidentally watched America’s Next Top Model, where they were sprawling around on suspended polythene in water.

The voting begins.
Spain starts and give us 10 points. I don’t believe it! We got points!
Belgium don’t give us a single point. Miserable devils.
Belarus have deigned to give us 3 which I’m happy for!
Malta give us 10 points, this is the best we've done in years!

Already Norway have taken an early lead. See if it stays that way. It’d be nice not to be at the bottom! We’re in third place.

Germany give us 8 points. Hurrah! It’s not going badly at all! We’re in second place.
Czech Republic give us 6 and Graham starts to moan, when he realises that last year we’d have been thrilled to have got a single point! We’re still in second place. I can’t believe it
Sweden don’t give us a single point. Damn them. Now we have 37 points and are still in second place. Norway are first with 69 points.
Iceland ignore us and don’t give us any points either. We’re still in second but a fair way behind the leaders.
France give us 4 points. Could be better but it could be zero, we slip to third place.
Israel give us another 4 points. At least we’re actually registering this year, but have slipped now into 4th place and Norway have almost double the second place.
Russia hand us 6 points. I realise we’re actually in joint second.
Latvia give us a measly 2 points. We move up and are in third place on the board.
Montenegro don’t vote for us and we end up slipping to fifth place.
Andorra give us 4 points and we’re in third again.
Finland didn't like us and with zero points from them we’re back to fifth.
Switzerland didn't like us either but we don’t move from fifth. What’s funny is that i predicted we’d be in the bottom 5, not the top 5!
Bulgaria kindly give us 7 points and we stay in fifth. Maybe this is going to be where we finish but we’re only 17 of 42 voting countries down.
Lithuania give us three points and bring our total to 67 although Norway is now up to 175.
United Kingdom pop up next, it’s a damn shame we didn't get to vote for ourselves. We gave 12 points to Turkey, oh the shame. And 7 to Germany, we've lost our minds.
F.Y.R. Macedonia kindly give us 6 points. We’re still in 5th place.
Slovakia are the 21st country to vote and they give us 7 points.
Greece give us our first 12. I love Greece!
Bosnia & Herzegovina disagree with Greece and give us 4 points. We’re in 4th place.
Ukraine quite liked us and gave us 6 points and we share our 4th place score of 102 with Azerbaijan.
Turkey don’t give us a single point but move Azerbaijan above us. Damn it.
Albania give us 8 points. We’re in 5th place again, we haven’t slipped lower than that, I really am stunned.
Serbia give us another 8 points. We have 118 points, Turkey is second and has just 7 points more than us but Norway is on 255.
Cyprus give us 7 points and we’re in joint 4th. I’m really quite happy!
Poland is the 29th voting country and give us 4 points and we’re in joint third.
The Netherlands handed over 3 points to the UK and down we slide to 5th place.
Estonia don’t give us any points, we stick at 132 points.
Croatia give us 4 points and move us up to 136 points and 4th place.
Portugal give us 10 points. I mentally high five you Portugal.
Romania don’t give us a single point. Buggers.
Ireland kindly give us 12, we’re in 4th place.
Denmark vote to give us 3 points, our total is 159.
Moldova give us a miserable single point, but I will be grateful.
Slovenia are the 38th voting country, we’re nearly finished and they give us 3 points.
Armenia vote to give us 7 points, we have a total of 170, it looks as though we’ll be finishing in 4th place.
Hungary are mean and only give us one point, we deserved more than that obviously!
Azerbaijan are the penultimate voting country and they don’t hand over a single point, that’ll teach me to complain about one point!
Norway are last to hand over their scores and give us just 2 points which moves us finally into 5th place. That has to be the best we've done in years! In fact the best since 2002 when we were third!

Norway win with 387 points, the highest score in the history of Eurovision, in fact almost 100 points higher than the previous record holder.

The fun is over for another year. It was refreshing to see it all be so much fairer, I'm not sure if that was down to the new voting style or if it has become about the music and not about the politics. I'm a little sorry that Terry didn't stay for one more year, it might have cheered him to be there to see us do well. I shall be looking forward to see what he has to say about it, for I'm sure they'll be rushing to interview him.
Anyway, Graham did a pretty fine job, he didn't sound like he was getting remotely drunk, how disappointing!
Also, not many shots of Moscow itself, I was a little disappointed, I had memories to relive damn it.