Marton & Hegley

Last night it was the turn of Marton for my latest excursion with the walking festival. Rachael and I were joined by her sister Helen, for her first and only outing with the festival. We drove into the village and looked out for fellow walkers - easily distinguishable by their shoes and rucksacks. We were supposed to be meeting at the cemetery churchyard and as we turned into the designated road we saw a collection of walkers and their cars. We found somewhere to park and joined the huddle. We waited. It was 7pm and no-one seemed to be about to set off. There was no-one that looked like a leader. We all stood around.
We murmured that perhaps we had been forgotten.
Perhaps we were in the wrong place.
It turned out the latter was true.
There was a graveyard at the church and another further along the same road.
Luckily the walk had needed to pass myself and the fellow stragglers, otherwise we'd have been a little lost!
The walk set off at quite a pace. So fast I only managed to get one photograph as we headed onto the riverbank.
It was really quite cold and that made me quite glad of a quickened pace, but I knew I'd feel it in the morning. (Although in actuality, only my left knee is a bit sore).

We strode single file along the riverbank, Rachael said later she felt like she'd been frogmarched!
It did feel a little like there should have been a chorus of "I don't know but I've been told, It's lovely walking in the wolds".
It was supposed to be a two hour walk, taking in the breathtaking scenery. The only thing I saw was the grass around my feet as I watched carefully to make sure I didn't fall down any holes. There just wasn't time to pause or look around you, even when we stopped briefly to cross a stile it felt like a quick march, I almost expected people to start vaulting over.
So we managed to cut the two hour walk clean in half.

The women directly behind me gave excellent eavesdropping opportunities too. I was able to have quiet little chuckles to myself.

Woman 1: So are you missing Weightwatchers tonight for this?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: I saw X the other day, she's lost a lot of weight hasn't she?
Woman 2: Yes, she's done really well. And lost it really evenly too.

How do you lose weight unevenly? Does it all go from your big toe?

Woman 1: There are two things a vacuum cleaner needs you know.
Woman 2: Really?
Woman 1: Yes. One is a high powered motor. I don't know what the other is. But Dyson has it.

Our vote went to the second thing being suction.

Running Total
Miles Walked: 4
Miles Walked This Festival: 11


On Thursday last week I went to see John Hegley with Gary.
I am at a loss to remember where and how I first discovered John Hegley, only that I'm really pleased I did. I adore his poetry - I'll be sharing some of my favourites in a wee while.
We went to take our seats and discovered that we were in the back row of the front four rows and also in the exact centre. We contemplated climbing over, but being miniature in stature I wasn't sure I could make it without causing concussion to a fellow audience member. The gentleman next to my seat heard my worries and held down my seat, to aid my climbing and keep safe the rest of the venue. I applaud you Sir.

Mr Hegley took the stage and was suitably brilliant. Before too long I was shaking with laughter, I could not stop the giggles and holding them in just made me shake. At one point the giggles erupted into a terrific snort. It wasn't pretty.
He said he was going to talk about Newcastle, and did anyone have a connection with the place. A lady in the front row shoved her hand into the air with an exclamation of 'I was born there'.
"Anyone else?" he asked.
Beside me I saw Gary's hand shoot into the air.
I turned and looked at him quizzically, I didn't know he was connected.
"Yes Sir?" said Mr Hegley.
"I've been there" said Gary
The lady in the row in front thought that was hilarious.

He rattled through poem after poem, he showed us his drawings on the overhead projector and caused much hilarity.
Just before the interval he did Owl acrostics, holding up his drawing of an owl. We all had to shout the letters as he shouted back his word for each. Then, lucky people that we are we had the opportunity to purchase one of such drawings... as beautifully illustrated below.
Gary had his signed first, but I demanded mine be signed in the jowls. I don't know why, I just liked the way it sounded.
There was some singing, which was brilliant, when he did The Amoeba Song he said we would be in three groups. He pointed to the right hand side of the auditorium (my right) and called us Section A. Then to the left, Section B. Folks in the middle had to make their own mind up. And as for section C, he pointed at the gentleman directly in front of Gary and called him Section C. Harsh.
Section A had to sing 'amoeba, amoeba, amoeba, amoeba, amoeba, amoeba, amoeba, amoeba', Section B had 'meeba, meeba, meeba, meeba, meeba, meeba, meeba, meeba, etc'. Section C had to thrust his glasses into the air and yell 'amoeba!'.
It was hilarious, but you might have had to be there.

Anyway, I had a fabulous time and am demanding you check out some poetry - you must click the link for the amoeba song up there, then click the link right here for the Love Cuts poem.

Here are a few of my other favourites.

Electric Chair Poem
The Volts
The Jolts
The End.

Pat
I said Pat
you are fat
and you are cataclysmically desirable
and to think I used to think
that slim was where it's at
well not any more Pat
you've changed that
you love yourself
you flatter yourself
you shatter their narrow image of the erotic
and Pat said
what do you mean FAT?

From another age
What looked like a broken window
in the phone box door
was actually a very small, lone,
levitating dinosaur.

My doggie don't wear glasses
My doggie don't wear glasses
so they're lying when they say
a dog looks like its owner
aren't they.

First sex
I was about six
the first time my mother told me
how it was bad to play with myself,
but I think she preferred it
to me playing with my sister.

Oh I think that will do for now... Absolutely brilliant.