A Night In The Life Of My Sky Box

Glen came over this afternoon and I insisted he watch Die Hard as he never had. I don't think he minded too much but drew the line at watching Die Hard with a Vengeance immediately afterwards. Understandably - I mean it's the third one, you have to watch them in order of course.
I have been borrowing Rachael's video player as mine died some time ago and have been transferring my videos to the hard drive on my DVD recorder. Which meant that my video of Die Hard was once again available for viewing. Hurrah.

So, when I reattached my scart lead to the Sky box, it lived for a little while, then died on me. Leaving me with just the traditional number 29 - no satellite signal is being received. I turned it off, killed it at the mains and left it. I turned it on again some time later and still just the same message.

I rang Sky. It's been established that I can be quite strange, but sometimes I have so much fun calling call centres. Really, I've even made friends that way. Maybe it comes from my years of working in a call centre, I feel for the poor devils stuck inside on a Friday night. So I make it my mission to be either one of the most entertaining calls or to be the strangest call. Sometimes I achieve both.

Tonight. I'm not entirely sure that the poor chap knew what hit him. But I feel quite sure he wished I'd go away and leave him alone. Which just makes it more fun.

I explained to him that I had the traditional problem with the message of 'no satellite signal is being received'. I explained I'd turned the machine off, left it off, turned it on again and it was still the same. We went through the palaver of ensuring I wasn't some random stranger trying to fix someone elses Sky box. I mean really, how terrible that would be. I again have to remember my password and wonder why I chose 'Mifford' as I feel an obligation to explain that's the name of my cat. When really they just want me to shut up so they can carry on.
He instructed me in button pressing, I followed instructions to the letter, with the occasional witty interjection. He was deadpan. He didn't appreciate it. I was funny damn it and I didn't get anything. Which just makes me try harder. I must get a reaction. I must establish a personality exists, or else I start to fear that Hollywood is right and the robots really ARE taking over.

Together we pressed buttons, we waited for a code to appear. For several minutes. Sitting in silence can be dull, but combined with staring at three dashes waiting for them to magically change into a code is really very dull. He kept reminding me that I should tell him when the code appeared. Finally, when it did, he was audibly disappointed. He said, press the blue button, then wait again for the code to appear. I asked if it would take as long, he said it was likely to, but he couldn't be sure. He told me that the code was likely to be the same, which would be a problem.

I said that I bet he was pleased he got me when he answered the phone. He said, no, he wasn't pleased at all. Which I felt was harsh, but I like to believe he misheard me.

Finally the code reappeared, it was identical.
He said to turn the box round and look at the back.
I did so, everything looked connected.
"Unscrew the silver connection" says Mr Sky Man.
"The aerial connection you mean?" says I.
SM: Yes, that's the one.
Me: Oops. I broke it.
SM: You broke it?
Me: Well the silver connector is in one hand and the lead is in the other.
SM: Sigh.
Me: That can't be good right?
SM: I think we need to arrange an engineer visit.
Me: Maybe I could fix it? I've shoved it back together and it looks ok.
SM: It needs to be a secure fit.
Me: It looks pretty good. I'm terribly sorry to be so difficult.
SM: Ah, I have more difficult people at home I assure you. (Aha! A personality! I knew it was in there!)
Me: Oh now really, you're just being nice, that can't possibly be true.
SM: So, let's arrange an appointment...
Me: You mean you don't want to even test my repair? I made my own TV aerial once you know and it was just fine.
SM: Sigh. Well, I think if we're both prepared to go out on a limb and risk it, we could give it a go.
Me: Hurrah. I'm reattaching.
SM: Ok, plug back in your sky box and wait before turning it on.
Me: Ok, done, oh wait, I pulled the other cables out.. there's just so many.
SM: Sigh.
Me: Ok! We're good to go!
SM: Don't turn it on yet! We have to wait 30 seconds.
Me: Ok! Not touching a thing! Honest!
SM: Press the TV button, then Sky and see what happens.
Me: Ha! Do you hear that? I have TV, oh yes. You had no faith in my skills did you now?
SM: Hmm.
Me: So what now?
SM: Well now you enjoy your programmes.
Me: Why what a good plan. I thank you Sir.
SM: Ah no, it was a combined effort.
Me: Indeed! Have yourself a splendid weekend! Ta ra!

I have a feeling that once he hung up he punched the air that with glee that he was finally rid of me. Excellent.