Open Letter To Barclays Bank

I must congratulate you on your staff training. I particularly admire the way that your training seems to suck every ounce of compassion from their souls.

I also like the way they assure you that no charges will be applied to your account when you expressly go in to the branch to check. Then find you have been charged and upon calling are advised 'There's nothing I can do Madam'.

I love that they feel, during moments of extreme customer stress that the best response would be 'May I suggest that you manage your account better?'

I am currently fantasising about shoving pineapples up each and every one of your lying, unhelpful arses. Although, as you seem to spew so much crap from that orifice I'm thinking there's probably actually plenty of room, even for one of those giant pineapples you can sometimes get from Sainsburys.

You really are the suckiest bank I have had the misfortune to have an account with, I can only blame my own teenage self for making such a bad decision, but I am paying for that decision. Literally. Damn your extortionate charges and damn your glee in taking them.

I now only dream of lottery winnings so I can show you the money and then swiftly take it somewhere else. Although I'm sure I could get your staff to perform like trained monkeys (only with less skill) should they get even a sniff of a figure with mulitple zeros.

I should also add how admirable it is that your staff are unable to make a single decision that hasn't been given to them by a computer. It speaks volumes for the intellect of said drones.

And as an aside to the bitch who I had the displeasure of dealing with today. I hope you get bitten by a rabid partridge.

Lots of love,